Ungenuine Uselessness

Yes, it’s 3 A.M. Yes, I should be asleep. No, I can’t sleep. A little over a year ago I deleted my Myspace account and with it, many blog entries. I really regret deleting them and not having them backed up at all. But wait, tonigh I remembered that a good deal of those I also posted on a MSN space thing. So, I went to go find that, and find that I did (Yoda talk not intentional).

Oh what a joy to go through and find some of the rawest stuff I’ve ever written in my life. Some of the deepest pain and depression I’ve ever been in. Some of the “most elegant” words I’ve ever written. Well, not really a joy. So much of me actually wants to go and delete all that now. I won’t. I’ll most likely make a copy of those and put it on my hard drive somewhere so as not to “lose” them again.

Some of this stuff has seriously made me sick to my stomach. More or less, a lot of the words I read this morning are all to familiar. I wish I could say it’s because these memories are coming back and it seems like yesterday, but it was just yesterday I said some of it. So much for the original guy I’ve always wanted to be. I knew it wasn’t really on par with it…but this is just ridiculous.

**God hasn’t been telling you no because you aren’t ready; He’s saying no because I’m not ready, maybe will never be ready, and if I am, probably not with you. These words seem so hollow, yet I know the truth is in them. My words seem so fake and useless now.