I’d Like to Be Somebody’s Gerry…

May 8, 2008

This shall be an interesting blog. Sorry I haven’t written in a while, finals and stressful past couple of weeks. Last weekend I wrote something down:

I want to find the girl that, whether out loud or to themselves, people say, “They are perfect for each other.” Not a great couple, but perfect for each other. My heart tells me not anytime soon. They have it.

The “they” refers to a few people. Specifically the couple I was with at the time. I also feel like two of my friends are perfect for each other. The latter of the couples is interesting (I’m not getting into that, though). I began thinking about all my relationships. I began thinking about the four girls that I have loved and given a piece of my heart to.

Katie: We really didn’t think the same and were going completely different directions. It ended and I had regrets. That finally resolved a bit in my heart this past summer.

Jessie: I was, and still am, figuring out somethings about myself…flaws that I need to work on. Flaws that hurt other people and break my own heart. Beyond that, I’ve wondered if we could ever really be more than friends.

Anna: I truly loved her. I did. I just let it go last summer and I don’t know why. I hurt her more than I’ll ever realize I’m sure. She deserves (and now has) better. I’ve begun to realize that it would’ve ended eventually, anyway. There are just too many things about me that annoy her, and love can only blind itself to so much.

Lynnea: We simply moved faster than God had intended. He said wait and I asked why. We were supposed to be together, I know that and will believe it until I die. It just wasn’t in God’s timing, yet.

I know what has gone wrong in everyone of these relationships. Recently, I was told that I was waiting more or moving on. I hate when my heart is right sometimes (which it almost always is). I tell people to follow their heart all the time. I strongly believe it cannot stear you wrong. Emotions can, but the heart never lies. Sometimes hearing it is the hard part.

I wasn’t going to write this blog at all. I was going to save it and hide it in my heart. I just got done watching P.S. I Love You. Why do I put myself through that? I do enjoy those movies. This past week I’ve watched The Holiday, Pride and Prejudice(American version), and P.S. I Love You. My heart hurts after watching those movies. It longs for those relationships.

It also berates me. I have always wanted to be the pure, honest guy. I try to always be honest in relationships. I only wanted to tell one girl ever that I loved her. That has obviously failed. I never wanted to be the stereotypical guy. I wanted to be original and never say something to girls that I’ve said to another. That gets hard after a while. The men portrayed in these movies is who I wanted to be. Maybe not perfect, but never without romance or without utter and complete honesty towards their one woman. Pure love. I feel like I’ve failed in that so much. It hurts my heart.

I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at your decision. I really do respect your decision. I’m mad at God. I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to wonder if you’re who I’ll be with anymore. I want to just move on and find another girl now. To find my rebound. I’d hate myself if I did. I don’t know and that’s where God likes me: not knowing. It’s not that, it’s that I’m to trust Him, but it sucks sometimes. I want this and He said yes. Now it’s not happening. Is He seeing who I love more? I don’t know. After we talked, my devo was about taking things away like that. Then there was a verse from the first chapter of Job that popped up. Oh, the memories. Oh, the pain. Oh, God. Help me trust you. I know you have someone for me. It just sucks right now.


One comment

  1. Mac, I am praying for your heart, and I want you to know that I love you and I cherish you as my friend and as Alexander’s friend…I don’t know how we would have held together if it weren’t for your friendship with us in our failings…

    I want to encourage you however and whenever I can…right now I’m being tested as well…but I’ve been neglecting God…and knowing it…I’m glad that you wrote this post because it helped me to realize that my heart doesn’t approve of a lot of the things I’ve been doing…and things need to change…

    change is difficult…

    I will be praying for you…pray for me?

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