I suppose I should update on the goals of 2011 that I determined last November. Well…I failed. I’m not even sure I wrote for two months time altogether. Most of the year I just shied away from it. My decision of 1000 words a day was too high. Without being in practice of writing, that volume was nearly impossible. I began hating my writing very quickly because it was forced and unfocused. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my voice. So this year, I want to write..anything..for most days. When (if) it becomes a habit, then I can start enforcing how much I write. I love it…I don’t want to hate it. I also hope to post at least one blog a month…or one big essay. I recently started a new blog that I plan on continuing this goal (Thoughts in the Stillness). Most recently, I went through Acts for Advent. Though I posted for 28 days, I consider it to be one project, one post. So if I were to do that again this year, that would count as one for the month…not 28.

My reading goal also failed. But unlike the writing, I don’t think it was unattainable. I ended up reading 30 books (and for those that argued with me, that includes audio books). The reason I feel like this goal was reachable is because I also listed when I finished books. Though I made no comment on when those books were started (something I’ll do this year), my reading was very sporadic. I would read two books very quickly and then barely read anything for two months. The success in this goal, however, is that I still read more than I had been…just not as much as I would like nor as much as I could have. This year…I will lower my goal, but not by much. Instead of 60, I plan on reading 50 books. I want at least 30 of those to be books I haven’t read before. More would be great, but I already have books I’m itching to read again.

Beyond those goals, I have a couple new ones for the year. One of them is…cheesy. After watching Lord of the Rings after Christmas, my desire to grow a beard has strengthened ten-fold. So, my goal is to not shave or trim my facial hair all year. My neck will be cleaned up, and if I get a new job that requires me to shave, I will…But when it is my choice, I will not shave or trim.

I also have a growing desire for what I want to do with my life. Whether I’m listening to reason, truth, lies, or whatever, I don’t expect to ever make much (if any) money for my writing. It’s a passion and a hobby. A skill and craft I want to hone and refine, but ultimately, I want to just do it because I love it. Because I hope my ideas teach myself and others. That my writing can be a means to get my words out. Beyond that, I have a growing desire (one that started my sophomore year of college) and it’s something that is morphing and molding into what I feel my skills and talents can do. I also feel like I’m being molded and taught things I have fought in the past…Things that I’ve ignored and run from with every job I have. My goal is to solidify what is in my head into a plan that makes sense to at least one person. This may take longer than a year, but if I can get one person to see and understand my vision as it is in my mind, then I will feel like I have succeeded.

So, last year was a challenge. This year will be, too.

1) Write nearly every day. Post one project a month on Thoughts in the Stillness.

2) Read 50 books. At least 30 that I haven’t read before.

3)Do not trim or cut or shave my beard (unless required by a job).

4) Continue to develop my vision and get at least one person to understand it completely.

I am starting off my new blog by going through Acts with my best friend. He is continuing a project he did last year during Advent where he went through Luke and created a piece of art based on that days chapter. Though are blogs are related by following through a chapter of Acts each day of Advent, our projects are completely separate. However, I will post a link every day to his blog and encourage you to view what God is teaching him through this time of waiting. After Advent, I plan on editing some of my past “favorites” as well as continue working on new pieces (as some of you are patiently waiting for).

Without further ado, I encourage you to head over to my new blog and read my thoughts on Acts 1 and save that blog in your rss feeds, favorites, bookmarks, or whatever. Thank you for following and I hope you continue to enjoy and challenge my writing and my dialogue with faith.

I have a habit of pushing God back, trying to keep him at an arm’s distance. I don’t know why I do this. I could easily blame other Christians, disgusted with the faults they show that I don’t want to be associated with. But this wouldn’t be fair or true. I don’t know why I do this, but it has been a constant in my life over the past few years. I buy into the lie that life will be better, easier. I listen to the same voice that tempted Adam and Eve: God doesn’t know better than me.

And that is just what it is: a lie.

God has been faithful, though. Unlike my parents and grandparents, God never succumbed to my outstretched, blocking arms. Instead, He has gracefully stood by waiting, hoping, calling me back to His embrace. Some days, He is quieter and gentler while attempting not to cause me pain, to startle me, or to cause me to run further away. Other days, He sees me catch a glimpse and calls out loudly, ready to run across the room like long-lost friends.

No matter what, He continues calling, hoping, and waiting.

The calls have gotten progressively louder recently. I am finding I am happier and more driven when seeking God and remembering His embrace. I understand more and see clearer as I continue soaking in His truth. I have been more at peace, and I have been able to find more comfort in my fears and insecurities as I continue to search out God and find my path in this life.

God is infinitely patient and faithfully, gracefully waiting as we run and hold Him back at an arm’s distance. Will I continue allowing God to bring me into His embrace? Only time will tell, but I hope so.

I’ve been meaning to write for a while again, but haven’t (as I’m sure is quite evident). It seems to be the struggle. I just can’t seem to write. Every time anything comes into my head to write about, I begin developing how things will go. Then I do nothing. All day long I’ve had this nagging voice in my head say repeatedly, “just write.” Easier said than done for me.

In my reading, at least when I am reading, I keep coming across this idea that perfectionism is the killer of dreams and of writing and of so much. I am not a perfectionist, though. Or I thought I wasn’t. It seems, oddly enough, that in my writing I want a lot to be perfect. Which I find to be odd because my writing is filled with mistakes all over the place. I’ve never put a lot of effort into essays I would write for classes. But I’ve realized my perfectionism is less in the mechanics, but in the quality of the words. I didn’t post my Good Friday blog because I couldn’t get the words write. There was a lot missing.

Where that is a valid idea, it keeps me from putting words on a page.

I’ve been thinking about my life a lot the past few weeks. I’m not sure I have the right word to describe what I think of it. It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life, but I know it could have so much more. I’m still looking for that ambition and motivation to chase after what ever dreams may be in my heart, soul, and mind. I have ideas on what they may be, but fear is holding me back, as it often does.

My reading, my writing, and my living have slacked lately. Interestingly enough, this is most evident in the fact it has been over a month since I have visited The Cup, the coffee shop I frequent…er…used to.

I’m also noticing it in the movies I select to watch and the themes I pick out of them. Unsurprisingly, this week has been Harry Potter, and the life pieces I’m grabbing are nearly gut-wrenching…Nearly.

Over the next few months I will be acquiring a bunch of new music thanks to Kickstarter.com. Some of these artists are amazing and have some unique ideas for albums. I’m excited for that.

This blog had a lot more organization and flow in my head when I sat down to write it. Obviously, it did not end as such. Oh well, at least I’ve finally written something. Now to just keep writing. Just write.

Last summer I was struggling and was missing the two people I could talk to about things in my life. I tweeted something about it and was invited to coffee by a guy I had only met a few weeks before. We sat down to coffee and I didn’t shut up. I couldn’t. Days after, this new friend was tweeting with another person I had only met a couple of times. They were planning a coffee date. Out of place, I joined into the conversation and invited myself. We planned to meet June 9, 2010 at 4:37 P.M.

This time soon became everything for me.

The late afternoon at the coffee shop changed my summer and changed my life. There were five of us their that day: Alec, Chris, Sarah, Sarah, and me. As our time was ending, they invited me to grill brauts with them. I agreed and soon had some new, close friends. We had a bon fire that night and the next two nights stayed at Alec’s and Chris’s house the next two nights as we built a bar in their basement. That bar was affectionately named “The 437″.

We began to call ourselves the 437 crew after we tweeted encouragement to my best friend. He thanked us all under that hashtag. The next month we hung out daily. We cooked for each other, drank together, and enjoyed World Cup Association Football. It was a great summer. It was a summer I needed since I was finishing my tenure at school and losing another relationship.

One year ago today, and the time this post is published, I found a great group of friends. This group is already quickly spread out over the midwest and will likely continue to grow apart by location. Whether we stay close is yet to be seen. What I know is I will never forget the summer. I will never forget the inclusion in a tight group like that. It was an honor to be asked to go to Colorado. It was great to spend five days with three close friends walking the streets (street…) of Denver.

This post is a dedication to the 437, the 437 crew, to homemade bars, to manberry 7′s, to Guinness floats, to strobe lights, to rings of fire, to high fives from future seminary students, to dueling pianos, to coffee, to the World Cup, to new friends, to Alec, to Chris, to Sarah, to Sarindra. Thank you for including me. Thank you for a great summer. Thank you for the memories.

But none of that matters, really. Jesus has risen! I’ve had a lot of time to think and talk with God. I try to listen and I try to take each day as it comes. I have few plans for the future right now; I’m playing it by ear.

It seems, however, that God is really trying to push me somewhere. I am unsure where, though. There are times that I can just feel God saying: this is what I want for you…I just can’t see what that thing is. It’s an interesting feeling when it happens and I hope to figure that something out soon. But sometimes God has us wait just a little longer. Sometimes we aren’t listening well enough.

I am content and that gives me unrest. I am antsy and I wish I were stagnant.

God redeemed us to him, and I still make it so much about me.

In terms of the actual writing portion of my goals, I have struggled quite a bit. 1000 words a day is not an easy task. I’ve been averaging closer to 700. The first 300-500 write quickly and easily, then it becomes work. I’m generally okay with this,  but it has continued to make my style worse. I was discussing it a bit with my best friend tonight and he mentioned that I’ve really been forcing it. And that’s true. My writing has been very forced since I’m trying to meet these hard goals: writing 1000 words EVERY day.

I have also realized that my subject matter is also forced. I really enjoy writing about life’s truths. Really, the things I think I write best will go into a new project I am starting with Alex. The first couple of essays, however, didn’t feel right. They were forced, but there was more wrong with them.

Instead of finding truth in my life, I’m forcing my life into truths.

That is the essence of my poor style, of my bad structure and flow. That is what makes my past writing, even the writing in high school, different from my writing in the past few months. That is why I’ve had immense writer’s block for the past year. I have been going about it the wrong way. It should became apparent to me when I read King’s “On Writing”. There is a section where he is talking about story being the essence of a good book. The characters, the plot, the morals, the theme….they are just details. Icing on the cake. The foundation of the book is the story and story you cannot force.

My writing is not going to be better overnight. I may never completely like the things I write. For the next few weeks, I will continue to force things until it becomes a habit. Slowly, I will let things be written, let things be revealed, let things be. For now, I will force myself 1000 words a day. I hope to force myself 1000 words per essay. When I have “fixed” my current writing struggles, I will go back and revise those pieces and make them into what they should be. Or, God willing, I will learn to scrap my bad writing. For now, I will continue to write.

I just realized that I’ve used the word “write” and its variants a lot in these last few posts.

I’m really considering a new blog. However, it’ll be much more private and exclusive. The idea first came from one of my housemates and solidified while reading King’s “On Writing”. As I’ve thought more about how I’d like to set it up, it seems like a good idea. I don’t mind writing privately in my notebook occasionally, but it is so much easier and faster to type. Also, less hand cramps. I also don’t like cluttering up a folder with word documents and feel as though I could organize my essays in a more sensible fashion with a blog. I want to privatize it more because these essays may be things I would like to really work at and possibly send to different magazines for publishing. I would allow only a couple of people access to the blog. People I completely trust and will give me good and honest feedback. I know of two or three people already that I would invite to read those things, and likely wouldn’t go much more than five.

However, I am still undecided on whether this is the best course. Maybe folders of word documents are best. I can edit those easier and send files to those same people. It is something I am still figuring out, and until that point, I will likely continue writing free hand and posting on here. I am still struggling with creating a routine and finding my writing time anyway. I don’t need to add any extra worries.

On that note, I think I will shift gears and start writing an essay that’s been on my mind for a couple of months now…and one I’ve visited in my head many times over the years. It is likely something I will share at least parts of on here. However, it may be something I would like to keep for a future use depending on what appears on the paper. Maybe I’ll finally get some reading in today, as well.

I do not write fiction. I think it’s partly due to the fact that I am so introverted and introspective. I tend to write about life. Obviously my last few blogs have been about my goals, about things going on in my life, about me. I tend to write about themes of life. I do this when I write a sermon or a devotional. Occasionally I find something in a book I’m reading that just speaks truth into my life that I feel others could learn from as well. Last fall, I filled multiple note cards with quotes from books as well as ideas that came along with those quotes. These ideas and quotes may one day become a short essay I write. Who knows, maybe they will become essays that I send into a magazine or e-zine to get published. Maybe one day I will get paid for them.

I do not write fiction. With that, I feel like I’m missing and not using my creative side anymore. To be honest, I’m not completely sure I have one anymore. I tried teaching myself guitar a few years ago. Occasionally I’ll pick it back up and build my calluses. I’ll play the few songs I know (sort of) and soon put it back in its case. I don’t seem to have the ability to really teach myself how to play. While I was initially learning, I tried writing a couple of songs. I’m not sure I really liked those. I have never been a poet. The multiple poetry units I had growing up were difficult for me. I have a couple of kids poetry books. I’ve read multiple romantic poets. My ex is (or used to be) a great poet. There is elegance in good poetry. The imagery and beauty are truly captivating.

I do not write fiction. I am not a story-teller. I do not like to embellish. My parents were extremely frustrated with me when I would fill out applications for things like National Honor Society because I wouldn’t push the limits and fluff up my application. They never once told me to lie, but I have an inability to add frill to my words and my life. I don’t use adjectives very often. I don’t set the scene. It’s something I’ve noticed in the books I read, however. The ability to add depth and color to the most dull and mundane things is an art. It’s a craft used and developed by those who write fiction and tell stories. One of my favorite writers, Donald Miller, released a book a little over a year ago. It drives home the idea that our lives are stories. Some of us (most of us) are living bad ones. We have the ability to tell magnificent stories; we live in one created by the best story-teller. I wonder how easy it is to allow our lives to tell a great story if we ourselves are bad story tellers. Miller was one of the key factors to my desire to learn and develop my fiction writing. He writes like I do: essays about life. Through the last few years, however, he has learned a lot about story and its structure. One of his books is currently being made into a movie and he helped develop the script and needed to learn a lot about this skill. Apparently, he is even considering on writing a fiction book or two.

I do not write fiction. I would, however, like to develop this skill. I really think it is a skill. There are little details and intricacies when writing a story. The flow and structure, though not concrete, take practice to truly understand. There is more to story then understand the fiction model. There is more to story than plot. There is more to story than themes and morals. there is more to story than the rising and falling action. Each of these is merely a piece to a giant quilt. These pieces are made up of even smaller threads.

I do not write fiction. But I would like to learn. I would like to write fiction.

On the other hand, I am working on starting a project with a friend that should drastically help my writing. Both in quality and quantity as well as creating at least some partial routine. More on that later.

I have been analyzing my life a lot lately. Go figure. I’ve taken a strong look at some of my flaws and what makes me tic. Partially because I am naturally an introverted person and partially because I am in a new relationship. I always seem to take stock of myself during these times. I have discovered a lot about myself in the past year. Some good, some bad…some that could really go either way. I am being intentionally vague right now. Maybe I will explain more later…maybe not. For now, I will leave it as it is.

Christmas was great this year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time at home due to work, but I got home safely (at 3:30 am Christmas morning) and was able to spend a couple days with my family. I got more than I needed or really deserved. Not complaining, however. One thing is a new laptop. It is more portable and can actually run some software that I purchased this past Spring.

I am still working on getting a second job. I’ve applied at a couple of places and my new boss is trying to get full time hours for a coworker and me. I would really take either one, though, I’m leaning towards the second job. I’m really trying to leave everything in God’s hands. That’s something I’ve always struggled with. I completely believe He will guide and provide, however. It’s just not always easy to follow through when waiting is required.

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In non-life related news, I’ve begun thinking about a common complaint I’ve noticed recently. I’ve seen friends of Facebook complain and have even seen it in a couple of television shows. The complaint goes something of the nature that person A asks person B for some advice. Person A then does something that does not agree with person B’s advice. Person B then complains to person A “Why did you even ask for my advice if you weren’t going to take it.”

One show I was watching mentioned that sometimes we ask advice looking for someone to agree with us. This is sometimes true. In this instance, person B has a fair complaint. But I don’t believe that is always the case.

I guess, it just seems like a ridiculous accusation to make. Maybe person A asked many people for advice. It’s not likely that every person would give the same or even similar advice. Likely, there would be countering views and opinions. It seems unfair to claim that person A did not take the advice at all. In fact, for me anyway, I will often ask multiple people advice, I will mull over what everyone has said and continue with what I believe to be the best course of action. It does not always agree with everyone. Sometimes it may even agree with no one.

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Going back to my goals. I think this week I will set up goals themselves. I would like to read at least one book this week as well as get through 60 pages of Mark Twain’s Autobiography. On the writing side, I hope to continue discover the best routine for me and continue to strive for 1000 to 1500 words each day I write (at least five days). I plan on finding all sorts of topics to write about. It may review a book I’m reading, review a movie I’ve watched, discuss a “life theme” or begin work on a few essays I’ve wanted to write for a while now. I also want to truly dive into the project mentioned above.

This is going to be a busy week. This is going to be a busy and difficult year. I ask for continued support (and the occasional flame under my butt) as I strive to meet my goals. These first couple of weeks are key to the rest of the year. My girlfriend encouraged me to finally sit down and write today. Tomorrow, I plan on reading and hopefully writing some more. I may not write here all the time. I may not publicly publish everything I write. That is not what this years goals are about. They are to develop my writing abilities. They are to push me into something I want to do. They are to see if I truly have “what it takes” to be a writer. This is the beginning of a new year. This is a time of renewal; this is a time of change.